Subject: A letter from home...

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm well. I'm writing
slow, as I know you can't read fast. You won't know the
house when you come home--we've moved. Your Father has
a new job. He has 500 people under him! He cuts the grass
down at the cemetary.

Our neighbors started to raise pigs, and we got wind of
it this morning!  We have a new washing machine in our new
house, but it doesn't work very well. I put in 4 shirts
and pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since!

I'm told the boy's at school here have new suits, but we
can't afford one for your brother, so we're going to buy
him a new hat and just let him look out the window!

Your sister had her baby this morning, but I don't know
if it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an Aunt
or an Uncle.

Your Uncle Bill drowned in a vat of whiskey
at the distilery last week. We cremated his body, and it
took 3 days to put the fire out!

I went to the doctor last week, and he put a glass tube
in my mouth and told me to keep my mouth shut for 10
minutes--your father wanted to buy it right away!

We got a letter from the undertaker. It said if we didn't
pay the funeral bill for your grandmother within 10 days--
up she comes! I must close now as the plumber is here to
fix the washing machine, and it smells terrible!

Your loving Mother....